This morning at 4 a.m. when I was up with The Munchkin for yet another eyes-barely-cracked-open feeding, I wasn’t thinking about breast milk. I wasn’t thinking about nourishing my baby. I wasn’t really thinking about her at all. I was fanaticizing about the moment when I will finally pull my car out of the parking lot at work knowing that I don’t have to come back.

Ahh, yes. I don’t know when it will happen yet, but whenever it does, I know that will be one satisfying drive.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. And maybe it’s because The Munchkin seems to have reverted back to the nighttime sleeping habits of a two-month-old (I’m blaming this exhausting phase on her recent illness and not getting enough solids to eat during the day). Or maybe it’s the tease of spring weather we’ve been experiencing recently, but I had really hoped to be making my exit from the work world by now. Alas, things haven’t quite panned out that way. Yet.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I know that The Hubs and I are incredibly fortunate to be living on two incomes – especially in a time when so many are out of work, not scraping by, just wishing to be in my shoes.

But I can’t help but feel like I should be doing more to get to a point when working outside our home is no longer a necessity for me. I started this blog with the idea that I would be sharing my struggles and successes on this mission with you. And while I have shared a lot about my life as a mom, I haven’t touched much on the subject of my efforts to stay home. Honestly, the reason is that we really haven’t done much.

Sure, we’ve been cautious about what we spend. And I’ve been researching ways to make money from home (this blog included). But we haven’t taken any real steps yet towards any goals, or even identifying what those goals are on the path to stay-at-home-motherhood.

Instead, I’ve been waiting. For what, I’m not entirely sure. We’ve been waiting to figure out exactly what The Hubs’ take-home pay is now that his benefits have kicked in. Waiting for a few hours to sit down together and talk about how we think it will work. Waiting for…well…insert whatever excuse is convenient here.

It’s not The Hubs’ fault. I think in his mind, we have much more of a plan than we do in my mind because he’s always calculating and figuring things – that’s the way his brain works. Mine, not so much. I need to talk it out, write it down even, because my brain is so scattered and I get so easily distracted that if I don’t have something to refer back to I end up with a half-cooked dinner and a washing machine full of musty-smelling clothes.

The thing is, we haven’t really discussed it much. I think it’s because somewhere, deep down, I’m afraid. Not only of the idea of actually being able to stay home with my little girl (what if I suck at it?), but that some obstacle will surface when we really get into the planning stage and I will find out that I won’t be able to leave my job after all. At least not any time in the foreseeable future. The idea of that possibility is so absolutely terrifying and depressing to me that I would rather not face it completely.

Then, along comes one of those pesky 4 a.m. feedings, and whether I want them to or not, the wheels in my head start spinning. Suddenly there I am, foggy-brained and exhausted, thinking about what could be. It’s funny how those fuzzy wee-hours of the morning can end up being moments of clarity all at the same time. It dawned on me as I was sitting there, avoiding the glaring red reminders of what little sleep time I would have left until my alarm clock blares, that doing nothing means that nothing is going to change.

I can’t sit and wait for something to happen to me. I have to make it happen. The Hubs and I have to work together to make it happen. And I know this is something he wants almost as much as I do. The Munchkin is turning one in less than two weeks and I refuse to spend the entire second year of her life the same way I spent her first.

So, no more waiting. No more excuses. This weekend, we are going to come up with some sort of plan – even if it’s a plan to keep planning, at least it’s something. And I have a sneaking feeling that when we put our minds to it, we’ll be able to come up with something more substantial than just a plan to plan. Besides, I’ll need something more interesting than that to blog about when I revisit this topic next week.

Hubs, if you’re reading this, consider this Saturday at 8 p.m. booked. We’ve got some planning to do.