A New Life (and a new look)

12:19 pm ByFiled UnderFiner Things

I realized that since I’m no longer in danger of jeopardizing my job with my blog, I could probably show you what I look like.

Clearly, I’m no photographer, but here is a recent shot of how I now look as a SAHM:

And yep, that’s a baby bump! A 15-and-a-half week bump to be exact. Our next little munchkin will be making his or her debut sometime around  March 19th – we can’t wait!!

*Editor’s Note: Please ignore the tired mommy face, lack of makeup and un-styled hair. This was the best I could do given that I’m still trying to work out time in the day to put myself together now that I’m a SAHM. Also, pay no attention to the unsightly 1980s bathroom décor that will one day be improved.

This post is proudly linked to Finer Things Friday over at Amy’s Finer Things. Head on over there to to see all the other things people are appreciating this week!

Mission Accomplished!

9:10 am ByFiled UnderMission SAHM, Thank You

I didn’t feel it when I pulled my car out of the parking lot on my final day at work like I thought I would, though I was happy to finally be headed home. And even when I was greeted by The Hubs and The Munchkin that evening it still didn’t hit me (though it was a very happy reunion).

But when I woke in the wee hours of the morning on Tuesday, my head swirling with thoughts about a client event that had occurred over the weekend, I suddenly realized that it was no longer my concern. My primary responsibility now is my family – exactly what I felt it should be. And with that understanding, it suddenly began to sink in.

I felt the knots that had been living in the pit of my stomach for the past two years start to melt away. I easily slipped back into sleep for a few more hours until The Munchkin decided our day should begin.

The day was long and tiring and absolutely wonderful.

We ran errands and played outside. Practiced potty time and read books. We sang songs and had a blast getting messy with a fun finger painting project for Grandparents Day. We had just bought the paint that morning, never having had much of an opportunity to do many craft projects together before.

I watched with glee as The Munchkin dipped and swirled and amused herself with the colors and textures she was experiencing. The Grandparents Day project turned out perfectly imperfect. But we were having too much fun to stop there. By the time we were really done, our entire kitchen table was filled with blue-, orange-, green- and purple-swirled pieces of artwork and handprints.

All throughout the day, and especially during this project, I was fully aware that I would be missing all of this if I had been working that day. And it was bittersweet to realize that this is what I had been missing all that time.

While The Munchkin napped, I actually got laundry done and cleaned our refrigerator. I had dinner cooking when The Hubs got home from work. And for once on a weekday, I actually enjoyed the cooking process.

After The Munchkin went to bed, exhausted as I was, I even found the energy to clean up after our day of fun and prepare our home for another day together.

By the time my day was over, I could barely keep my eyes open. But tired as I was, I didn’t feel worn out. In fact, strange as it may sound, I felt refreshed. Accomplished. The way you feel after a really great workout. And I couldn’t wait for the next day to begin.

I still have a lot to learn about this whole stay-at-home-mom thing, for instance, when to actually find time to shower and get myself dressed and ready for the day. But I’m so looking forward to figuring it all out as we go.

And I’m so incredibly thankful to have the chance to learn it.

No more saying, “Someday…” or “I wish…” or even “When…” I can now proudly say I am a stay-at-home-mom. And you know what? I really like the sound of that!

This post is linked to Thank You Journal over at Alli-n-Son. Head on over there to see what else people are appreciating this week.

Unpaused

8:10 pm ByFiled UnderBlog, Misc.

There is so much I want to share with you. It feels like it has been ages since my last post, and in many ways, it has. Things have changed since then. And there has been so much going on, some of it wonderful, and some of it difficult. I feel like I’ve been trapped in a cyclone for the past month or two. Everything seemed like it was happening so fast and spinning around me that it’s almost a blur.

But something was keeping me from being able to write.

One of the events in my life that has kept me from posting recently was the sudden death of my uncle at the end of July. It was very much unexpected and I missed what would turn out to be my last opportunity to see him the week before he died. I wanted to share it with you because it serves as a reminder to me every day that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow. You can’t put off phone calls and I-love-yous and the chance to reach out to someone you care about because you never know when you will no longer have the opportunity.

But every time I sat down to write about it, I came up blank. There are so many emotions wrapped up in all of it. And so many things I’m struggling on my own to find out that maybe it’s too personal for me to share right now. Too personal for me to even write because it forces me to examine myself a little too closely right now. I’ve learned that I don’t grieve like the typical person. I push it off. Push it away. Busy myself with other things until I’m ready to face it – usually in small stages. And I’m not there yet.

So, perhaps a post will come about that someday. But not today.

What I do want to focus on with you now is the new chapter in my life that is starting. One that I’m so excited about and one that I can’t wait to share with you.

Stay tuned because tomorrow I’m going to fill you in on my first official day as a stay-at-home-mom. And let me just tell you that I’m exhausted and completely happy – no happy isn’t even the right word – it’s more like bliss.

More to come…

Thanks for sticking with me through this pause.  I’m ready to push play again!

I said it…

8:35 pm ByFiled UnderMission SAHM

Well, I did it!

I finally said those two words I’ve been dreaming of saying since before The Munchkin was born, “I quit!”

Actually, I took the long-winded yet more professional approach and said, “I’m tendering my resignation,” but the outcome is the same.

August 31 will be my last day as a mom who works outside of the home – at least for a long time anyway.

My last morning rushing around trying to get everything ready. My last day spent wondering how The Munchkin is doing when I’m supposed to be working. My last day scrambling to get everything completed so that I can leave close to on time and pick up The Munchkin so that we can have some semblance of a quality afternoon routine together before she’s asleep in her bed. My last day feeling like no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’m going to let someone down.

I feel so incredibly relieved. I don’t have to pretend anymore. No more hiding my plans for the future. No more pretending I’m doing something I’m passionate about. No more faking.

And finally, the opportunity to strengthen the bond I share with The Munchkin again – a bond I’m sad to admit felt like it weakened after I returned to work. Finally, I get to be the one deciding on the daily routine (though I’m sure The Munchkin may just have a little to do with that). I get to do those projects I always say I’m going to work on with her. We can work on potty training together, read stories and practice counting. We can both step out of our comfort zones and get to know new people in this new avenue of life together – play groups and library activities and mommy-and-me classes. We can both grow together.

And finally, The Hubs can have a moment to relax once in awhile. He can enjoy the weekend without trying to work with me to cram every household chore into our too-valuable weekend time. He can come home to a cooked meal every once in a while. He can have some much-needed balance in his life.

We all will.

I know that it sounds idealistic, but trust me when I say I know our lives will not suddenly be perfect simply because I’m home. But I’m confident that there will be a dramatic improvement. A balance that just isn’t there now. I’m even more confident that this is exactly what our little family needs.

And while I’ll perhaps be a bit bittersweet the last time I pull out of the parking lot at work, full of the anxiety that comes with leaving the familiar and entering the unknown; I know that as soon as I walk through the door to our house on August 31 – as soon as I’m home – I’ll be exactly where I belong.

Let the countdown begin…

Tagged,

Faker

1:54 pm ByFiled UnderMisc.

Another day of nothingness? Check!

Those are literally the words that just ran through my head as I sit at my desk willing the time to go by faster than it is.

Why is it only Wednesday? It feels like it should be Thursday. Or better, Friday. Because if it were Friday, I would be at home with my little girl right now doing dishes or something productive while she naps. Something that doesn’t feel fake.

I sit here, at this lonely desk, listening to my boss and her husband fight over a family matter that has made its way into the office. While my other boss tries to squirm out of a badgering by my boss. And I think, Maybe I can fake sick…

But I can’t.

Because I called-in sick yesterday when I was only sort-of sick and probably could have made it through the day staring blankly at my desk just fine, but didn’t. And I hate lying. And I’m really a horrible liar. And normally a terrible faker. But that’s all I feel in this place. Fake.

Fake concern for the tasks I know I should be completing but can’t find the motivation to do. Fake interest in the goings-on of the clients. Fake enthusiasm for a project I don’t think will succeed but don’t have the energy to argue about. Fake passion for something that used to be important to me but no longer is. Fake. Fake. Fake.

*Sigh*

This too shall pass. And I know when. I just hope I can stomach the falseness until then.

And I hope I don’t lose myself in the process.

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