Dear 2012: Some ground rules from a mom

6:17 am ByFiled UnderMisc.

Dear 2012:

Welcome, and make yourself comfortable! I’m glad you’re here and I’m looking forward to seeing what you have in store, but now that we’ve had a few days to get to know each other, I thought we’d lay out a few ground rules for the remainder of the year.

First, please, PLEASE, don’t go by too quickly. As the mother of two small children who seem to be growing at warp speed, I’m begging you. Don’t rush by and all the sudden I have two, like, KID kids. I like having a baby and a toddler (or…a toddler and a preschooler, as will be the case during this coming year and just typing those words makes me a bit wishy-washy). I’m not ready to have tweens and teens and adolescents and then all of the sudden grown kids with kids of their own. Don’t make me a grandma before I’m ready! Cool your jets.  Take the slow route and let’s enjoy every moment of this time together.

Unless you suck. In which case, bring on 2013.

Second, why not be the no stress and less worry year that everyone will love? Seriously, if you want to go down in history as one of the best years ever, do that. Be the year that I embrace my messy house and stop worrying about the dishes and the laundry and the dirt and the dust. I’m not asking you to be the year that I stop taking care of those things (I don’t want to wind up on Hoarders). Just be the year that I stop stressing about them and realize that eventually they’ll get done when they get done.

And while we’re on the subject of less worry, how about being the year of good health. I don’t think I need to elaborate here – healthy people are happy people. Enough said.

Speaking of health and aging, we both know that you represent a rather significant year for me in terms of age. Be the year I embrace it. Make me excited about the big 3-0 because if you think about it, it really is a decade to embrace. I mean, your 20s are really just an extension of your adolescence since you spend the majority of them figuring out your adult self and going through lots of major changes (i.e. college graduation, getting a real job, possibly marriage and kids). Your 30s are the decade to firmly embrace the YOU you’ve become. Yeah…that’s it!

But, that being said, maybe you could take it easy in the physical aging department. Notice I’m not asking for a toned body with nice curves and a flat tummy with abs. Oh, no. I don’t even want that anymore. I’m actually happy with my weight and my body. I mean, the nice curves and flat tummy would be nice but my scantily-clad beach frolicking days are behind me. Honestly, I don’t really have much time to spend at the beach these days and if I do make it there I’m not frolicking because taking two small children to the beach requires anything but frolicking. You have to worry about someone wandering into the water, the evil sun and someone is always trying to eat sand. It’s too much. I’m not frolicking when I’m at the beach and I couldn’t care less what I’m wearing there. I just bought a pair of skinny jeans in a size I like and I’m happy with that in terms of body. But maybe you could take it easy on the grey hairs? I’ve got four, FOUR, that laugh in my face and remind me I’m old every time I look in the mirror. And those are just the ones I can see. Who knows what’s lurking around the back of my head. I think that’s enough for now, don’t you?

And 2012, please, for the sake of all that is good, PLEASE be the year of sleep. Please be the year that we all get acquainted (or reacquainted) with a full eight hours of blissful, beautiful, peaceful, uninterrupted sleep. I honestly don’t even know when I had that last – probably not since 2008 when I got pregnant with The Munchkin. Yeah, I’d say we’re due.

Finally, I’m looking forward to embracing the challenges and changes that you will bring, whatever they may be. I’m ready for them, even if they should happen to defy any of my above requests. But there is one thing that I will not budge on: You WILL be the year that I live in the moment with my kids and my family. I’m not going to cling to the past (too much) or worry (too much) about the future but just embrace the right here and right now. Because this is the only time I will have 2 ½-year-old and a 9-month-old. This is the only time The Hubs and I will celebrate 10 years as a couple and five years of marriage. This is the only time I will get to be a SAHM to such an amazing family. And that’s a truth that won’t change no matter what else does.

So, welcome 2012! And Happy New Year (You?)!

Dear Mom

9:49 pm ByFiled UnderMisc., MOMent of the Day, Thank You

Dear Mom,

In honor of Mother’s Day, I wanted to write about a stand-out MOMent I remember having with you. Like most kids, I never really understood or appreciated all the things you’ve done for me. I don’t think I’ve ever told you about all of the times when you really made a difference in my life, and I certainly don’t think I’ve ever recounted a particular moment and thanked you for being there for me. But when I tried to choose something specific, I couldn’t.  I couldn’t think of an exact memory that stands out because you’ve always been there for me. No matter what. Even when I didn’t want you to be.

So, thank you.

Thank you for enduring hours upon hours of drug-free labor to have me nearly two weeks late. As someone who has recently gone through childbirth, even going two days before my due date was agony – and I didn’t have to put up with the unsightly maternity clothes you were forced to wear or being in my third trimester during the hottest part of the year…

Thank you for being my kindergarten teacher and the best teacher I’ve ever had. In my life. Ever…

Thank you for driving me to school every year on the first day of school and walking me to my class, even in sixth grade as I terrifyingly started junior high. And thank you for the many drives you would make to that building after an exhausting day of work to pick up a book I would need for a homework assignment or sometimes my entire backpack…

On that note, thank you thank you for putting up with such a scatterbrained and easily distracted kid. As my own daughter can sometimes take up to fifteen minutes to climb half a flight of stairs because she becomes sidetracked by lint on the steps or making her toys slide down the railings, I’m gaining more and more of an appreciation for the patience you had with me (and believe me, at the time I didn’t think you had much – I’m now learning I was sorely mistaken)…

Thank you for crying all those times throughout my childhood and beyond when I would roll my eyes and tell you not to. Like my senior year on senior night during the half-time show of the football game when you proudly walked with me in my full band nerdom, tears welling up in your eyes. Or whenever you’d watch some sappy movie. Now I understand. Now that I have two babies of my own, Rice Krispie commercials can choke me up. And the sight of my handsome baby boy smiling at me just melts my heart. Now I understand…

Thank you for teaching me how to bake cookies and letting me eat the dough…

Thank you for the occasional Parlour treat when we’d have dessert before dinner…

Thank you for instilling in me the proper love and appreciation that chocolate deserves, and always sharing yours with me (or stealing mine from my Halloween and Easter candy)…

Thank you for goodnights that would last for hours and always listening and always saying, “I love you,”…

Thank you for always being the one to make me feel better when I am hurt, whether it was from a fall in the driveway, a fight with a friend or even being dumped. Even when I didn’t want to tell you about it…

Thank you for letting me grow up and graduate and go to college and get married and start a family of my own. Even when you didn’t want to let me go…

Thank you for always supporting my every decision…

Thank you for showing me what a strong, beautiful, amazing mom and woman is and for giving me someone I can aspire to be like…

When I was younger I used to say that I wasn’t going to do things like my mom. But now that I am one, I continue to find myself trying to be more like you.

Thank you for being you – my most perfect mom.

Tagged, , ,

Always My Baby

8:55 pm ByFiled UnderMisc., MOMent of the Day

“What’s up, Mommy?” she asked me as I scooted my chair closer to hers to eat lunch.

I laughed and then gave her some answer about getting ready to have lunch with the cutest kid ever.

And then I thought about it some more.

What’s up?

What’s up, Mommy?

The question made me laugh because it sounded so, well, grown up coming from her toddler mouth.

How did we move so quickly from the simple act of identifying me as “Mama” to using sentences and asking me, “What’s up?”

And my response? Lunch with a kid. A KID?

No, not yet. My brain pleaded. She’s not even two yet. She’s still a baby. Not a kid. Just a baby. I’m not ready for her to grow up so fast.

And then my unborn baby jabbed a good kick into my ribcage as if to say, “Hello! I’m the baby. Have you forgotten I’ll be taking over your house within the next 10-ish weeks?”

After adjusting my position in an attempt to remove said little opinionated foot from my ribs, I looked back at The Munchkin, now munching a piece of “white broccoli” and drinking water from a regular cup, smiling at me as a little bit dribbled down her chin. I thought about the progress we’ve been making with potty training and helping her learn to use the stairs. I thought about how she’s starting to learn her letters and numbers and songs and already immersing herself into her own pretend world. I thought about the baby doll and kitchen set and little table and chair and all the “big girl” toys she got for Christmas. And I couldn’t help but wonder if, in spite of my desire to somehow stop time and linger a little longer in her baby-hood, some small part of me is willing her to grow up faster than either of us is ready because soon there will be another baby in our house.

Soon, I’m going to need her to be trusted with the stairs because I’ll be carrying another, much more helpless being up and down them. I’m going to want her to be potty trained so that we can save some money on diapers. I’m going to rely on her to entertain herself in her little pretend world sometimes because someone else is going to need me 24/7. And I pray that I’m a good enough mom to be there for both of them as they need me.

And yet, I’m reveling in it all at the same time. Each new phrase uttered, every new thing learned, I beam with joy at watching The Munchkin discover and become more and more a part of the world around her. I love watching her play with her little dollhouse people and introduce herself to her stuffed animals. I’m constantly amazed at what she picks up, and how quickly it happens too. I love listening to her sing her ABCs and “Twinkle, Twinkle.” And the fact that, while they may be require a bit of translation, I can have actual conversations with my little girl, just blows me away. Each gives me an even better glimpse at what’s going on in that brain of hers and it’s honestly amazing.

I look forward to doing it all again with this new one. I love feeling this little person squirm and wiggle inside of me. I can’t wait to learn what kind of person he or she is. I even love (though it is getting burdensome at times) watching my belly grow and knowing that soon we’ll get to meet this person. And I already am in love.

So, it’s an interesting conflict really. But I have the sense that this internal debate between wanting to slow down time and the rate at which The Munchkin grows, and the joy and anticipation of watching it happen is not going to go away. And I’m sure I’ll feel it just as much (maybe even more) with this new baby too.

I suppose it’s just another one of those things about parenthood that I should just get used to dealing with but probably never really will. How do you ever get used to the growing independence of your child? I guess that’s why my mom still says to me, “You’re still my baby.”

After lunch was over, The Munchkin and I went upstairs and cuddled together in the rocking chair before nap, reading a book about big sisters. Like many times before, I pointed to my belly and asked her what was in there and she answered correctly. Then she smiled and patted my belly and gave it a kiss. “Aww, I wove you, Baby,” she said.

I smiled and kissed the top of her forehead. My thoughts exactly, I thought to myself, patting them both. My thoughts exactly.

Tagged,

Unpaused

8:10 pm ByFiled UnderBlog, Misc.

There is so much I want to share with you. It feels like it has been ages since my last post, and in many ways, it has. Things have changed since then. And there has been so much going on, some of it wonderful, and some of it difficult. I feel like I’ve been trapped in a cyclone for the past month or two. Everything seemed like it was happening so fast and spinning around me that it’s almost a blur.

But something was keeping me from being able to write.

One of the events in my life that has kept me from posting recently was the sudden death of my uncle at the end of July. It was very much unexpected and I missed what would turn out to be my last opportunity to see him the week before he died. I wanted to share it with you because it serves as a reminder to me every day that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow. You can’t put off phone calls and I-love-yous and the chance to reach out to someone you care about because you never know when you will no longer have the opportunity.

But every time I sat down to write about it, I came up blank. There are so many emotions wrapped up in all of it. And so many things I’m struggling on my own to find out that maybe it’s too personal for me to share right now. Too personal for me to even write because it forces me to examine myself a little too closely right now. I’ve learned that I don’t grieve like the typical person. I push it off. Push it away. Busy myself with other things until I’m ready to face it – usually in small stages. And I’m not there yet.

So, perhaps a post will come about that someday. But not today.

What I do want to focus on with you now is the new chapter in my life that is starting. One that I’m so excited about and one that I can’t wait to share with you.

Stay tuned because tomorrow I’m going to fill you in on my first official day as a stay-at-home-mom. And let me just tell you that I’m exhausted and completely happy – no happy isn’t even the right word – it’s more like bliss.

More to come…

Thanks for sticking with me through this pause.  I’m ready to push play again!

Faker

1:54 pm ByFiled UnderMisc.

Another day of nothingness? Check!

Those are literally the words that just ran through my head as I sit at my desk willing the time to go by faster than it is.

Why is it only Wednesday? It feels like it should be Thursday. Or better, Friday. Because if it were Friday, I would be at home with my little girl right now doing dishes or something productive while she naps. Something that doesn’t feel fake.

I sit here, at this lonely desk, listening to my boss and her husband fight over a family matter that has made its way into the office. While my other boss tries to squirm out of a badgering by my boss. And I think, Maybe I can fake sick…

But I can’t.

Because I called-in sick yesterday when I was only sort-of sick and probably could have made it through the day staring blankly at my desk just fine, but didn’t. And I hate lying. And I’m really a horrible liar. And normally a terrible faker. But that’s all I feel in this place. Fake.

Fake concern for the tasks I know I should be completing but can’t find the motivation to do. Fake interest in the goings-on of the clients. Fake enthusiasm for a project I don’t think will succeed but don’t have the energy to argue about. Fake passion for something that used to be important to me but no longer is. Fake. Fake. Fake.

*Sigh*

This too shall pass. And I know when. I just hope I can stomach the falseness until then.

And I hope I don’t lose myself in the process.

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