There comes a point in life when you reach a breaking point — when you have to make a choice and make a change for the betterment of the world (or, at least yourself) and do something you either don’t want to do, or that seems impossible. But you have to (again for the betterment of society or your own life and the lives of those around you). I’m there.
Enough beating around the bush. I want to be a Stay-At-Home-Mom (or SAHM as the abbreviation lingo goes in the blog world) more than just about anything. It’s not something I expected I would want to do. I was raised by two working parents. I went to college, have a decent career. To be honest, though I always knew I wanted to have kids, I never really considered the idea of staying home with them.
Until I got pregnant. And the moment I saw that little bean with a beating heart on the ultrasound screen, I knew I would do anything, ANYTHING, to make a happy and healthy life for my child. My world stopped being about me. It was about this little soul growing inside of me and the beautiful thing she would become.
Why Working Isn’t Working for Me
Despite my best efforts, work started to become less and less important to me after I got pregnant. I began focusing more time and attention to the way I wanted to raise this little being. I subscribed to newsletters, magazines and read book after book with different theories about healthy pregnancies and parenting.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Those books and newsletters and magazines did not tell me that I should stay home. I don’t want to give the impression that parents who work (as I currently do) are bad parents or are raising their kids the wrong way. It’s just that the way I wanted to parent, the way that I felt was best for our family, was not the way I could parent. And that really bothered me. In fact, bother isn’t even the right word. It ate away at me.
Take feeding for example. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed for my daughter’s first year. At ten months, we’re still pulling it off, but barely. Pumping, working and breastfeeding don’t jive well. And I’ve had to make a lot of sacrifices to make it happen that I wouldn’t have had to make if I were home full time. Romance? Forget about it. My husband and I rarely get to go out without my daughter because I have no stockpile of milk for her in the freezer. Goodbye date nights. Hello takeout and on-demand with my boob out in the living room. (Yes, I love nights in, but it would be nice to mix it up once in a while. And no, the boob isn’t out for my husband). I produce barely enough milk to scrape by on the days when I am at work, which means leaving anything for a sitter for a date night is almost impossible.
And it affects my work. I can’t attend work functions and client events after hours because I have to be home to feed my baby and pump for the next day. Despite the fact that I’ve explained this to my boss, it doesn’t go over well and because she’s never been through it herself, I end up coming off as the employee who’s not a team player. I won’t even get into the awkwardness of discussing my breasts with my boss. Repeatedly. That’s a topic for an entirely different post…
It’s more than just breastfeeding though.
At my daughter’s daycare, she has to conform to a strict schedule. Eat at a certain time, nap at a certain time, play at a certain time, wear shoes…heck, they even dictate what foods my daughter eats (and it’s not the mostly organic home-made food I prefer to serve her). And while I am not degrading daycares (I grew up in one, my mom works in one and I do believe there are advantages to having a child attend one), it’s not the parenting style I use at home. I’m more of a follow-her-cue type parent who believes in bare feet and natural foods. I’m not saying one is better than the other, but I hate the fact that my work and her daycare dictate the way we live our lives.
From that first moment my daughter was born and I held her in my arms, she was my world. Staying home with her and dedicating my life to being a wife and a mother became more than just a desire — it became a mission.
Why I Am Working
Funny thing though. It’s pretty easy to decide what you want to do when it so powerfully moves your life and everything in it. The harder part is making it a reality. Our reality was this: financially, it just wasn’t feasible.
My husband and I went over our budget multiple times, but no matter how we re-worked it, we still came up short. Even when we went down to one car and eliminated retirement saving (which I don’t think would have been smart) we were short by a couple hundred each month.
On the surface, it seems like a dumb excuse to not do something you feel so passionate about. Money? Really? How lame can you be? To some people, it even seems downright selfish. But, if making the choice to quit my job and stay home with my baby (without any long-term plan or way to work it out financially) meant that we couldn’t provide for her the way we felt we should, that would be selfish too. To some degree, it would even be irresponsible.
And so, I went back to work. That was one of the hardest days of my life. I cried more than I care to admit. But given the options, I felt it was the best choice at the time. Honestly, it was the only choice. And it broke my heart.
Fast forward about seven months, and here we are, doing the best we can to make it work. I’m not crazy about the person I’ve become as a result of this. The stress of balancing everything (work, motherhood, being a wife who is actually good company, caring for my aging grandfather, and never having even a tiny smidgen of time for myself to read a book or something) has taken a toll. I’m moody, depressed and not the wife or mother I want to be. I’m a lame excuse for a friend, daughter, sister…you name it. I’m not even the me I want to be. Something has got to change.
A Ray of Light
Despite lots of praying, soul-searching and a really determined effort to make working work, it just isn’t. But one thing that all that praying, soul-searching and determination did do was make me realize that I don’t have to make working work. At least not forever. It has forced me to reassess my priorities, and realize that sure, staying home might not work right now, but it doesn’t mean we can’t make some changes to have it become a reality in the future.
I talked to my amazing and supportive husband and we decided that, some way, somehow, we are going to take steps to allow me to stay home.
And I prayed and prayed and prayed.
He put his resume out there. I started researching work-from-home options. We cut down our spending.
And I prayed and prayed and prayed some more.
Finally, something has started to happen. A great big something. After years (even before we had a baby) of searching and waiting and applying and waiting some more, my husband got a new job! Yes, it pays more, no it’s not enough for me to up and quit my job today, but it’s a step. A great, big, huge step in the direction we need to go. And now we can finally start planning an exit strategy.
That’s right. In a few months, it’s quite possible that I could quit my job and become a SAHM!!!! It’s not going to happen overnight, and I’ll still need to bring in some sort of income, but it is possible and that means more to me than I can possibly describe. I know this is a giant blessing from God, and we’re going to use it.
Doing the Mom Thing
The point of all this is that I have faith that we will be able to make this happen. We have to. And because of that, I have decided to start this blog. It will chronicle my experiences doing the mom thing. Hopefully, I will be able to do it full time.
Since this is my first post, I will end it with a promise to you. I plan to use this blog to hold myself accountable. To tell my stories as a mom that others can relate to. I promise to be real and to share not only my (hoped-for) success, but my failures and everything in between that has to do with being a mom. Regardless of what happens, I hope it entertains, informs, and maybe even inspires. I’m sure I’m not alone in my quest, and I look forward to sharing it with you.
I can absolutely relate to everything you said here. I hate that I have to work (even though I used to be passionate about my job) and would give anything to be able to stay home. I keep thinking it will get easier, but my daughters 10.5 months, and it still tears me up.
I hope you’re able to make working at home work!
.-= amber´s last blog ..Screw the Baby Belly: I’m Celebrating Over Here. =-.
@Amber, thanks, I hope you’re able to work something out as well. It’s amazing how much these little babies can not only change our lives, but our perspective on life.
Btw, our daughters must be close in age. The Munchkin will be 11 months this week.